I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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