You smell like a Billy Joel song
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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