Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
