i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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