if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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