Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
