Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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