I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Sober January is a disaster.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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