I'm going to jail i love you
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
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