Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
