do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I got inside last night via doggy door
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
