if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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