That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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