I love black thongs
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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