True but thats because hes a fetus.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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