Your mouth is God's brothel.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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