omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
