gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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