Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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