Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
