you have to choose: penises or morals?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
