plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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