i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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