Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
