did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I am mentally ready for anal.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
