I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
