i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
