so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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