I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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