You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
