yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
