dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
i drank out of a bidet.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
