You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
