walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We're using joints as your birthday candles
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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