my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
