I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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