Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
