remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
