can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Your penis caused this!
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