I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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