I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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