Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
