Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
