CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
