omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
