Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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