I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
