I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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