Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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