she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
