It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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