Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
