Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
