I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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