Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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