Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
