My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
