I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
