Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
