Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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